Yesterday I went to Toy Fair; the largest trade show dedicated to toys that’s put on by the Toy Industry Association in New York City. The displays were impressive, the suits were out of control and, yeah, I’ll most definitely never be going back. Mainly because I just don’t care.

You know when you have that feeling like Oh, this will be impressive and then you get there. Yeah, it was like that. The cost-to-benefit ratio? About zilch especially after one PR guy who works for Pillow Animals (which is not their name but you know what I mean PILLOW PETS) was grabby and took his job way too seriously. Dude, your “prototype” of an airplane that kids will mostly likely drool, puke and, generally destroy is not the equivalent of a top-secret droid program that kills people with a mouse click.

In comparison, the people at MacFarlane Toys were awesome. I got my picture taken with a life size figure of Michonne from The Walking Dead. And the guy that worked there was all: Put the collar on and be a walker, too! The figure was from Comic Con; which only made me want to be there and not at Toy Fair.

I wasn’t at Toy Fair for kid toys — I was there for man-child toys and fangirl tendency-toys — but I decided to give it the ol’ college try and find out how the big companies preview their upcoming wares. It goes something like this: by appointment only.

Which then amounts to: “And who are you?”

“The second coming.”

Apparently my proximity to Christ didn’t amount to much as Crayola shushed me away as did Mattel and the Melissa and Doug people laughed at my douchey jokes. No, I mean they literally laughed when I told them the guy over at Pillow Pets was “douchey.”

What would make Toy Fair more awesome?

Scooters.

Instead of a lanyard; attendees should be issued a scooter. Or roller skates. And for the truly bad ass: a skateboard.

Toys without children just aren’t any fun. We found what we were looking for within 30 minutes and then Slasher and I were over it. Our interests are minuscule compared to the toy industry as a whole. I was interesting to see more suits than I thought possible in proximity to what’s supposed to be fun. It brought home the point — this was an “industry” event after all — that our children are a big business and are for sale. Childhood is manufactured by guys and gals in suits with cell phones and clipboards and bottom lines. It becomes painfully obvious when you’re in the equivalent of Santa’s workshop without a child in sight.

After we left Toy Fair, we stopped in Red Bank, New Jersey to visit Kevin Smith’s Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash. Near the Stash, there used to be a wall where someone spray-painted “fart.” It’s one of our most romantic places. I also got a new sticker for my laptop:

Then, I had the best burger I have ever tasted at Beasty Burgers. It was an out-of-burger experience. Truly awesome.

So, to recap: childhood is manufactured and every other burger is bullshit.

Great.