This has absolutely nothing to do with California except when you search for California

There’s this guy that I went to high school with who lives in California. I don’t hate him and he wasn’t a vicious bully and he definitely wasn’t mean. He was funny and kinda toothless and short. He stole things, he drugged, he drank, he skated. This guy who now hales from California was the type I liked to hang around because I didn’t do any of those things. I was boring and I vicariously lived through the really fucked up people.

I should probably mention this was more like 7th grade and not high school.

This scares the shit out of me because the Kid is three years away from that grade and she better not be saying fuck let alone hanging out with fucked up people. The only people she’s allowed to be around with filthy vernacular are her parents.

But this guy — this Californian — is making my Facebook experience absolute dog shit with his fabulous life. He is sober and bare chested and ripped (there’s still nothing you can do about short) and in every picture he has three models at arm’s length like he’s Prince Harry in Vegas and then there’s me with my mini cup of Ben and Jerry’s calling it a threesome.

During my HATERade session I was also wrapped in an electric blanket. Because nothing goes with threesomes like Nana’s glorified heating pad.

So I thought I would make myself feel better by finding out if the bar he owns in West Hollywood happens to be on the corner of Hell and Hole.

No, apparently, it’s on the corner of GAY BAR.

Of course it is.

This was confirmed by someone who shall remain anonymous CHRISTINE. But I didn’t prompt her to lie to me WHICH I SHOULD HAVE because no one likes the truth when they’re calling Chocolate Fudge Brownie—

WAIT. She just told me West Hollywood is borderline (I immediately think of Madonna) and — get this — maybe SLEAZY (Madonna there too).

Do fat people exist in California?

That last bit was a little too random, but I really do want to know if fat people, beyond Kevin Smith, exist in L.A. Was Boyz N the Hood really a social commentary about fatties making cracker-eating celebrities uncomfortable by using Ice Cube’s jerry curl as a  cover?

It was heartbreaking when Ricky died, though.

[This spoiler alert should probably have gone first]

I can’t hate and be all drive-by at California Guy’s sleazy Hollywood life. First, he’s sober and that’s a real accomplishment, second I know he really is missing a tooth behind those veneers and third: he’s probably still an awesomely fun time.

So what if he shaves his chest on the West Coast and I shave my chin on the East Coast? We all shave one hair at a time, folks. I’m sleazy too, you know. By association. Ben and Jerry can vouch.

photo credit: Jeff Krause