I am a birth mother. Most of you know this, but if you don’t: I had a child when I was 15 and placed my daughter with an adoptive family. She will be 16 this November.
There is a re-occurring theme for birth mothers that, quite frankly, is exhausting and just a tad infuriating. And that theme is: all birth mothers are a hot mess.
This hot messness can delve into two main topics: addicted and poor. Or a combination of the two. Sure, there are more but we will only focus on these two because they are the most common themes perpetuated wherever you find a mention of a birth mother.
It’s not an exaggeration to say that birth mothers only garner a mention in adoption stories.
It’s a rarity to 1) find a birth mother 2) hear her 3) not have her portrayed as a woman ravaged by addiction and poverty 4) find an adoption story that doesn’t spew rainbows, white fences and means. If perfection lives, it resides with the narrative created by the adoption industry for adoptive families.
I am here to tell you that I am a birth mother and I was never a hot mess.
I was young, yes, but addicted and down-and-out poor I was not. My daughter, had I not relinquished rights, would have been amply provided for by her birth father’s wealthy family. In fact, I was a member of my high school’s student council and an Honors student. I have never had an addiction problem unless you count cheeseburgers and I have a college degree.
I am intelligent, educated, and creative.
While no one would ever hire me to be a financial planner, this is due to a lack of opportunity not for lack of trying. I have a nine-year-old now and I have been with the same man for more than a decade. You know, just in case you were wondering if I ever turned tricks.
I don’t.
And haven’t.
Last weekend I heard a woman speak about her adoption story and I cringed. Her birth mother was addicted and “lived a hard life” and the woman tried desperately to “not be her.”
Hey, I don’t want to be my mother either, so I get it. I also do not want to attack anyone’s personal and unique experience, but it felt like more of the same vilification. Because it was.
Here is the truth about adoption: it sucks.
I am not going to sugar coat anything. The adoptive parents are not gods and the birth parents are not messed up assholes who couldn’t get it together. It’s more complicated than that, but you can’t put “adoption is a spectrum of good, bad, ugly and indifferent” on an 8 x 11 family profile or within a scrapbook or sell it to whoever is buying.
And within that spectrum there are horrible people who should never, ever be parents.
Adoption is more than marketing. Or PR. Or Teen Mom.
More than white fences and perfection and addiction, honor roll, scrapbooks and smiling two-parent families.
Adoption is real people with real issues. Which makes it just like life. No better, no worse.
With that being said, birth mothers are not a monolithic group of Hot Mess.
This is a wonderful essay. Thank you.
Jamie
Thanks, Jamie for reading AND leaving a comment.
I’ve only recently gotten to know you and I could have told you that 16 years ago you weren’t a hot mess.
This is beautiful. Just like you.
Aww, thanks Julia. I don’t do well with mush. So let’s leave it at #DSP forever.
Totally agree. My late mother in law was a birth mother, she ran off in her late teens to New York and got pregnant and in the late 50′s that was a no-no so she put her daughter up for adoption. My husband her son was born in the 60′s and she was upfront with him (when it was age appropriate) that she had a daughter, in fact when she was diagnosed with the cancer that eventually would claim her life, she tried to find her daughter. It turned out that the cancer she had would most likely affect any daughters she had, but sadly that could not find her.
In fact my daughter knows she has an aunt and that her dad is not really a only child. I think it’s so important that you tell your story and what you said here is true, the stereotypes of birth moms and adoptive parents are no good.
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Thank you for sharing this. This blog is the one place where I have ALWAYS been open that I am a birth mother. Personal stories like this are what make me so happy that I took that leap of faith because I know I’m not alone. It’s such a shame (and I know that’s a cliche) that your MIL never had the chance to meet her daughter. But it’s awesome that your family is open about the possibility she may show up. It should be that way, but too often it’s not.
It was nice of you to share your story. You have helped people understand that birth mothers like all other group who get stereotyped are people, real individual people with individual stories.
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Thanks, Janeane. I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile, but didn’t get around to it. Not until I sat and listened to that story did I really say: ok, this needs my attention. I’m only one person, but if you found it and everyone else who has read: now you know at least one. And hopefully it makes a difference.
Great post, really. I hate stereotypes. All of them. Why can’t we just live and let live without defining people?
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Thanks, Lisa. Such a good point. Can I add this: how about we not define people by the Worst Common Denominator.
We almost had a birth mother in our lives. Sadly, it did not work out. She was not a hot mess. She is a sweet girl we would have welcomed into our lives & kept a relationship with. I hope to one day have the opportunity to include a birth mother in our lives.
I totally believe you were not a hot mess!
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Mimzy: this comment lifted my heart. Just the way you describe your situation and I hope that one day it works out too. Light and love!
Kudos for this post! The more who speak to this topic, the more critical thinking skills may actually be employed within our reality-TV-swilling culture … or one hopes, anyway.
I don’t suffer under the delusion that I can go up against Teen Mom, but in this little part of the Internet, I sure can. And I also can’t go up against the bazillion unicorns and rainbows, but there’s power in writing the truth. =)
Thank you for sharing your story. We dealt with infertility & thought a lot about adopting, so I understand how complicated the triad can be.
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The “triad” that’s an amazing description of it. And, you got it, very complicated. But it can be a good complication. At least I’m optimistic that it can be.
You are incredibly brave to share this. I’m sorry that so many people make you feel this way! I was a hot mess and I chose abortion. I wish I hadnt but believe me I understand how people impose their stupid ideas on you.
Thanks, Kim. I guess the problem lies in the fact that “poor, addicted and white fences” generally have the microphone. It would have been wrong of me to stand up in that moment and be all: “I’m a birth mother! Give yours a break! And I’m not a mess. Maybe she was, but not all of us are.”
My mom, like you, was a birth mother. Also not a hot mess. In fact, she raised a helluva family…
Thanks for sharing this because I cringe Every. Single. Time. I hear this kind of generalization about birth mothers.
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Thanks, Margaret. And awesome about your mom! She sounds pretty amazing. I hope that my kids say the same thing about me one day. Thank you for sharing this because every time I hear about another strong, unapologetic birth mother … it’s a great moment over here.
Thank you for this article. I have 3 blessings (soon to be 6) in my life via adoption. Their bmom was addicted and had an unfortunate set of circumstances, however I would never talk about her that way. She chose life and I have no doubt that she loved them very much. When people act like I am a saint for adopting them, I get really angry…..saintliness & money had nothing to do with it. We feel that our lives are blessed to have these kids in it. I am not a rescuer…just a mom. I look forward to the day that they meet her and she can be proud her children. Great article!
Thank you for this comment. And for being so open. It’s true that a whole bunch of birth mothers are addicted and poor, just like in regular life. More so than anything, thank you for changing the dialog. You’re a mom just like the rest of us, right. And I’m sure an amazing one.
Awesome story! Too much emphasis is put on the bio patents and society always wants to paint an ugly picture of them. Also, no one ever hears about the adoptive parents that go wrong Everyone’s story is different. As an adoptive parent my husband & I find it important that our child knows his background. The bio Mom has a good relationship with us. Let’s start putting more emphasis on the positive outcome for the children of our future.
That’s a very good point about the adoptive parents. If we create a dialogue of openness instead of fairy tales, it would healthy. Sure, still complicated, but there wouldn’t be shame and saintliness. We’re not diametrically opposed, we’re all looking for the best outcome. Especially for the children. It’s all about them.
Hey! It’s nice to meet another non-hot-mess birthmom! I’ve been a hot mess about lots of things but none of them had anything to do with my son or his adoption.
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Yes, it is! I’ll be stopping by. Don’t get me wrong, I am a hot mess when it comes to 1 + 1, but that’s about it. Plus, I have a lot of funny in me about it all.
Adoption involves many emotions from many sides. Every story is different. Society finds it easier to pigeon hole and stereotype than to take the time to know a persons story.
Exactly. The easiest conclusion is that one that spreads. Thinking about it? Geez, that’s just too much effort.
Oh. Hi. Thanks. I was never a hot mess either. I mean, sometimes I qualify as a general mess (omg, the house is so cluttered I may just DIE if I don’t clean tomorrow). But not a hot mess.
So sorry I missed you.
Jenna recently posted..Lies of Omission
There is a difference between mess and hot mess and hot, hot mess. So, let’s pass it around, mmkay?
Agreed. I am both a birthmother and an adoptive mother. What does that make me? Not an addict behind a picket fence. I’m just a regular person with a few unique life experiences. Although my placement was within a closed adoption, I have every reason to believe that my bio-daughter grew up within a normal family. I’ll bet her parents yelled at her, made mistakes, and loved her with all they, just like most other parents (and really, just like me with my [adopted] daughter).
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thank you for this post. As an adoptive parent I am always keen to hear the story from the birth parent point of view. My children 2,4 and 7 come from various backgrounds and it is encouraging to share stories about difficult decisions
As an adoptive mother, who doesn’t feel like she rescued anyone from anything, I appreciated this post more than I can tell you. Adoption is complicated and difficult for everyone and I am really exhausted by the stories that “spew rainbows, white fences and means.” I don’t wanna look like the sainted lady who took in a stray and I won’t have my daughter’s mother villified – or worse – spoken of in pity.
Anyway, thanks very much.