Two weeks ago, I went to the Type-A Parent Conference in North Carolina with absolutely no budget to do so. This is how I did it in 9 easy steps.

Have a really sad story

• Who needs a sponsor? You have a craptacular life!
• If you want to go to a blogging conference without any dough, make sure you rev up your pity factor. It will do wonders for what people will offer you. So, for instance, my partner and I separated, I lost a few jobs, and I cried about it. Luckily for me, I told everyone. Did I mention that I also have to move in less than 30 days? Yeah, there’s that too.

Make a dinner date with friends and sob some more about how much your life sucks

• Your friends will treat you to dinner then create a hashtag called #OperationGetYourNametoSaidConference
• Make sure your friends do this spontaneously, so you can be all gracious and what not.
• Make sure you actually are gracious. And that your sob story is true. No one likes a liar especially when it comes with combustible pants. If you decide to bypass this, make sure you’re always sitting near an easily accessible extinguisher.

Join the conference hashtag and start asking people for things

• Anyone willing to let me crash in their room? Anyone have a last minute ticket to sell? Barter? Gift? Donate?
• Call if what you want, but you really want to go to this thing, right? Well, put it out there and someone will bite.
• If not, ask the conference coordinator if they had any last minute volunteer cancellations? And by volunteer I mean, do they need a fluffer water go-getter.

You can add a cot to any room

• The cot that I slept on was more like a twin bed. It was very posh and I was all: this is awesome. So, the moral of this part of the bullet point is: have low expectations so you can be pleasantly surprised at the accommodations.

Bloggers always love Mexican, so when you’re short on cash suggest eating South of the Border and you’ll be an instant sensation

• Really. Just say you plan to have lunch/dinner at a Mexican restaurant and you’ll have formed fast friendships with 99% of everyone at the conference. In fact, when lost for words, just start talking about guacamole. Trust me on this.
• I am the 1% that will probably, maybe, oh alright I might go.

There are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

• Which is exactly why you should not take one.
• Drive. It will cost less. But, obviously, make sure you are in the same time zone. Otherwise, face it sister, you have to sit this one out.
• So, when given the ol’ West/East coast divide, invite everyone else who isn’t going to dinner and then make a video that makes fun of the conference you are not attending.
• Share it and bond immediately forming fast friendships with other downtrodden bloggers.

Do not go into a gas station bathroom without pants on

• Wait until you’re in the bathroom to take your pants off. This is a #justsayin situation. Not that I did this. In the middle of Virginia. At 3 am.
• Never.
• Not me.

Pre-Glamazon before you drive to the conference then prep at a rest stop before arrival

• I was already taking up much needed walkway room, I didn’t want to take up precious shower time too. So I washed, straightened, and packed my dry shampoo before I hit the road. Then, right before I hit the hotel, I changed into my conference outfit, put my game face on and walked in like a million bucks.
• I’m sure I could have used the shower in my room, but I came prepared not to.

One and only step you need to know: Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there

• Even if your life hasn’t hit the skids, tell everyone you meet that you would like to find a way to get to ______. Don’t be obnoxious about it, but consider it Six Degrees of Getting to a Conference.
•  Someone will know someone who likes what you do and will take you under their wing. The worst thing that can happen is a cold shoulder or a no. Which, who cares?! You’re that much closer to finding the right person, your hotel mate, conference sponsorship, or two of the most amazing, generous people ever. Like Anissa and Julia. My ticket to the conference was provided by the fabulous Jo-Lynne.