My mother has joined Weight Watchers.

And immediately realized she needs AA.

Because, as she told me over the phone, she can’t quit the cosmos.

They’re eating all her points. Maybe she would have some room left for cheese. Emphasis on maybe. She’s scouring New Jersey looking for sugar free lime juice and demanding that Convict Husband make her 2 oz. Which she tries to tell him is more like a power cosmo. He, in turn, says eh-eh and grabs a Bud Light.

Even he has to look pretty.

I told her she needed to come clean about her cosmos at her meeting. You know, after the group talked the Birthday Girl down from her cake. She was all: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I’M EATING CAKE! And the group is all: SAVE YOUR POINTS! And my mom is all: WHERE’S MY COSMO?!

The leader tried to school my mother on carbs and protein and vitamins. Not realizing that my mother only pees B12 and vodka . I mean if you’re going to be drunk why not be energetic about it?

She also hasn’t had a noodle in decades.

So the the Birthday Girl comes back after her cake infestation and reports she’s lost 2 lbs. There are tears and AMENS! and I think someone whipped out a hand fan, swore on a scale, and made it rain Smart Ones. It was a revival up in there. And my mom is thinking: cut the shit, how did you do it? 

She worked out. A lot.

Fuck.

Vodka and treadmills do not mix. Even for this broad.

She only has to lose twenty pounds and tells me she’ll be happy with 15. And I say to her: Mom, you’re almost 60, isn’t it time you gave up trying to lose the elusive 10-20 and just get lipo.

And a neck lift.

Alright, I totally did not say that.

I did say give up, though.

So she says: I just want my cosmo. And to be 15 pounds lighter.

And I say, I want a unicorn.

I then suggest to her that she is probably at the wrong meeting. Perhaps AA would be better. They give out prizes over there too.

She’s all: is it sugar free?